I fresh start again...again...again...again...again...again

Relieving pressure.

I turned around the moment it started spitting, watching the rain begin to fill my windowpane. I found a song, that I listen to over and over AGAIN. A boy with his guitar telling me words I'’m finding a strange kind of comfort in. "Eyes are wider than before, so little has changed but your eyes are seeing much more."”
The rain outside becomes heavy and distracting. I feel nervous again, my hands clammy as I wonder about tonight if indeed there is a tonight. A picture of him temporarily sits on my desktop, a secret. Please don'’t tell a soul. I'm surrendering myself to him now, not that I fully understand what it is I'm surrendering to; to him or the consequences of the show or my heart. I shake my shoulders lose and try and work, but all I want to do is write to you. I look at all the pictures and words I've collected over the last few months I've dotted on the wall around my desk. Our feet are entwined, i'm in his arms. I feel so pretty sleeping next to you.'’ My eyes dance again and find '‘drunk and distroyed he kissed, because he knew he could and he knew I would let him and said the thing that i was waiting, wanting to hear.'

Then again, cause we all move in circles.

If he loves me then why does he leave. If he loves me then why does he leave. Don't say goodbye like you are burying him
cause the world is round and he might return.



Drunk, pretty, unraveling nervousness and under heartfelt suspition I tried to talk to R, my foot shaking, taping. I told him I couldn't keep it still, the other had come to my show, bringing my restlessness. That he was watching me. That hopeless look searching for something else in me, stirring something i forgot existed, him and me. I told him that I was angry at myself, for the continuing whatever this was, that I've changed in a thousand ways this past year, but he's the last part of me to disappear. He said something like when you have electricity with someone it never just fades, especially when neither of them want to it.

Surprisingly he approached us joining our conversation and R taking a silent queue bid me farewell and congrats on my piece. The brown eyed man came closer and perched on the seat and our bubble enveloped both of us. I shouldn't stop shivering. I watched him, too closely, it felt like a million years since we were this close, but still familiar and natural. He talked about our anniversary, the night on the plot in the mist and orange glow of London on that early cold morning that I hoped would have also brought a happy ending for me and him, together. (he had remembered everything, like crystal, like me). He told me how much he'd changed, definitely trying to not say the words 'sorting out his shit.' That he no longer smoked, slept around. I let it slide over me, trying not to read into him.

For the first time in such a long time, i lived in the moment, not thinking about wanting to kiss him, or taking him to my bed, or even beyond the words coming out my mouth. That there was full content in just being with him. Like the evening we met in the pouring rain at Euston. Him sitting quietly waiting, working on his laptop. I was so happy later sitting with him and the stranger who commented on my bruising worryingly in the daggy pub round kings cross. He said it had been a while since he had had a good time. He said it again to me that night. Songs like 'Naive' and 'All I have' played on the TV, songs I can no longer listen to... Again suspended I wait for the fall or drop.

Long time...Still coming...

My soul has been very supportive about moving on, away from the boy I wanted to build boats for. I thought that was the clever idea. Then I dreamt about him. When I woke up I was in love with him. And nothing else. All the memories come back, they seem fresh and soar. We are coming up to our anniversary. When we were introduced at my private view.
The moment I keep on going back to now is after he kissed me we stood silently on the plot behind P’s house at 3 in the morning. After a kiss so feverish I seem still intoxicated from, does he feel the same as I do. I wanted to tell him when I woke up, why can’t we sort this out, why can’t it be easy with us. There’s something that’s beginning to shock me now, it’s the length of this sordid fixation we seen to have for each other.
I was at university standing with my friend and the technician in full conversation about our plan of action on a certain piece, our heads bowing around the drawings we were making. I felt him come in the room, come close enough, I looked up, him with his cappuccino and kit-kat, he gave me this look (i couldn’t read nor remember now, i think maybe he wanted me to follow him out) and then walked out. I made sure my upward look was momentary and continued with the conversation. My point is ‘ need to’ or ‘no need.’ He didn’t need to walk in, make his presence known and there was no need for him to walk into the wood workshop. Why didn’t he say something to me, why does he never say anything to me.
I find myself inviting him to new latest private view. His message is short and I change my response and its tone; friendly and sweet. He catches bite and his messages become softer, just a little and then I say something I know he wont be able not to respond to. “please don't be angry with me any more. it was such a long time ago... “ “I’m not angry no more, luv. (I don’t know if he’s trying to be cryptic or didn’t think about his message) I know it’s a lie, but maybe now things can be different... I hope for this now for another time. FOOLISH. But things are going to happen for me this week, i’m confident that something is going to happen.

E-N-O-U-G-H.

ENOUGH.

I know what you are but what am I?

We dance together to the softest piece of music. And we touch each other as if we were lovers. This is a lovers dance. Do you hear that, a dance for lovers. My latest debate is the ending. There was not for one moment that I thought it would be happy. It was about whom was going to leave whom. Now my realization hits with a wave of sadness. It was about was she going to leave him brokenhearted or was it him to leave first. But I'm trying to heal wounds, and this time she wont be left broken. This time it will work. Personal growth as I write.

10.11.06, 11:00
I am so angry with her, her insensitivity hurt. How can she be that way. I told her it was over before it even began. I think there is truth in that, the tragedy arrived as soon as we met, when we spoke, when he kissed me. It's already here. I can smell it.

circle touching circle.

Both of our movements are so abritrary to each others, most of the time, that we hardly ever see each other. And sometimes it's that we only just dont meet. That's the feeling, I know I'm correct. Sometimes I find myself looking back over my shoulder and see him circling the other way.

But there's another circle that I want to hoola hoop... i just hope he wants me too. My positivity is failing and i'm being distracted. But it is him I want. But I'm now aware I never get what I want, and only what I need. Maybe I'll learn to need this one.

How to fix a broken heart...

... With the softest of words.

We lay entwined, home found, snuggled under his arm.

"I can hear your heart, it's talking to me."
"What's it saying, is it good or bad."

I know he's asking me if it still sounds broken.

I answer him honestly.
"Not sure yet, haven't listened to it before, I can't tell."

Is there anything more lovely then to be gazed at when silent. That your pure being is adoringly interesting.

Why are we so afraid of change, it's the shell that kept us safe from the other that now seems to be peeling, breaking away. I feel neither confident or reassured even though I probably should be. How do you tell him that you are just as fragile as he. That when you said you wanted to wait was for the exact same reasons as his.

I made a mistake tonight, and paid for it momentarily. He was angry, he still is angry. After all this time. I made a joke, something he said to me in the line after lunch that seemed perfect.

"I've apologized so many times, why haven't you let it go. I've tried to be your friend."
"when, there was no belly dancing, there was no homemade meal"

It spilled out of him so easily, it passed between his ears and sweetly fell from his lips.

I asked him about the belly dancing and he said No. I felt foolish and impatient, when 'my' maybe he isn't my, but when the other called and his voice happy and laughing at my stupid story in the underground. I don't find it difficult to admit my stupidity I just wish I would move away from it, and him, and all my past and all the worrying, all the time. I just want to breath out continuously.

Venus if you do, i will always be true...

make my wish come true.

You’ve been gone a while when I wake up too late for my lecture. My room still smells of us. I decide to buy Suskinds perfume, not because I want you to know i’ve read it and you’ve stuck to me, because the glue hasn’t set yet, but i want to speak the way you did when you whispered to me last night about the intoxication that made it impossible not to. There’s something about your passion that makes me smile breathlessly when least expected that keeps me with you, keeps you with me. I like that, this slow burn and your kisses in your texts. There’s something deeply special about you that I feel is a secret that only I know, only I see. I’m sure that itsn't true, but your gentlness and horny hands make me think........just a little less than normal.

Just talking

The beautiful painter questions me about the oscar wilde quote. (Who would have believed that I would ever quote him.) And I do nearly believe it that if we did something (interestingly) immoral once we will always do it again, even though it is not as simple as that. Now looking back I think it quite sad. I do think if we could justify the act once then we could probably justify it twice and even a third... The sexual tension between us turns somehow the issue towards cheating, either of us use the word, but I know that's what he is thinking. We can both feel it's about cheating. How do I know that.

And then there's the ghost, who came looking for me, but I was already gone. Wishing for another to call me. How can this man act this way with me. Rude and arrogant, and then tender and sumblimily affectionate. There is no winning with this one. Seriously, just when you think it's all finally resting, he'll choke you back to life and you wont know the Fuck what just happened. R told me that we looked good together. I answered surprised at his comment with 'why, when we are at each others throats' ' especially then.'

I wish he would reconsider the length of this sideburns and me.