Fade Into You

I never thought I would say it, but everywhere (above my computer) I look I see hearts, on paper, as paper, in red glass and silver cast. Like in the girls rooms I never was invited to. I quitely mocked them for their sentimentality. With photo’s of their boyrfriends, their delicately hung with bluetack fairylights and stragetically placed ornaments like hearts and bra’s. Slowly in the absence of that something great I had turned. Was it a defining moment or a series. Look I’m writing a diary, fuck, writing and wish they’d call and say they made the mistake. At 8:45 while being lead out of conscious, allowing the flow of images to slide over me; her song killed my fake bliss. Chords were stuck and I was brought to an old specific moment, with long sleeps with Mazzy Star and playlists called his name ending-in-o that I still have sent to trash and then there’s smell of fried fish coming from my kitchen. I had no idea what I had stumbled across, I think neither had he.

I wrote the notes on fish dreaming and had it in my back pocket when I bumped into him that day and with surprise in my tone and on his face, i handed it to him. He walked away before anything else could have been said. I know why all this is coming back and up and hopefully not out. How are we ever going to move on when we can’t forget, or maybe forgive the imperfections and frights. It was surprisingly hard to give in and agree when she told me despite all of my moans and messes, I wasn’t ready of either of them, and one particular, neither is he. I wish there was some kind of comfort in that.

Decisions are being made now, about short futures and those osrts of things. All of a sudden is it time to grow, out of this institution and its comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort. I have a terribly sickly feeling in my stomach that something has happened, like it does in the movies. Beyond my neuroses and paranoia. Alone typing, i’m nodding with myself. When the two ghosts met at the party on saturday night out of the awkwardness, did either of them mention or disclose...

I have nothing to hide, I had been as honest as I can be to both. Except this one point; that one was nothing but my fantasy and absolute dream and the other, my dear friend, is my future, whatever that maybe.

Fuck. I was walking through the park, angry and ashamed at myself for allowing him to upset me with him tone. Another call came through, he’s just been running and told me to come over and he let me sickly, fall alseep and we spooned and I left in the morning well again. Do I need to let all of these go. Please let me. Is this how it’s going to work out. Letting go and then calm for the next phase?