Couldn't

I couldn’t even tell you why I told him. I couldn’t even tell you why I broke and stopped being honest. I couldn’t tell you why when he asked me I said no. When I meant yes. With the boat in his hands we walked through the huge crowds that were gathering on the walk ways along the Thames. I couldn’t have picked a worse time. I couldn’t have felt more sick. I couldn’t stop wanting to stop and look at him and take his face and kiss him better. I couldn’t take back my words that had now made me angry. I couldn’t even convince him that it wasn’t his fault; that I wasn’t disappointed in him. I couldn’t then tell him it was a mistake. not my feelings but the timing. Always our timing. We started to walk aimlessly and twilight appeared and while we silently walked in torture and city became romantic and epic. Trafalgar square lit red for the concert and stopped. Enough. I couldn’t take any more. I couldn’t wait any longer. I couldn’t hold my tears from falling. We stepping onto the underground and he moved closer to hold me, I shook my head and got on the train. No happy endings for this girl, this time.

scribbling

I wish and wonder for something truely romantic to take me over. I go over yesterday in my head. Her scribbling down my words turning them to fact, how strange it is to talk about yourself so openly. I hope the cure will work with the moon growing big. And some sort of happiness will come.

See you soon

I sat in his kitchen staring at the crate of apples that sits at the bottom of the garden, near the tree house. It's one of the last summer days, lazy and longing, his parents sleep in deck chairs. He plays me songs on his guitar, his knees bouncing, his heart pouring. Oh my dear friend. We travelled through the worst. I remember crying over you and my mistake and wishing for my friend to come back. You did. And you hug me and I know this will be till the end. What more can I ask for. You give me everything I need. Sitting at your computer you mention how you found the book I made you for your birthday, how special it was, and said sorry in case he hadn't shown his true appreciation. And I cry.

Despite snake and spite.

He looked at me as if I were an angel and he in love. I blushed and told him to stop, his friend made a comment to concur. "please." An older gentleman explained for his early departure to the party. My friend stood, shook his hand and said he would look after helena when she came to visit. Safe in the knowledge he replied 'I wish you best in all that you do' and left. I sniggered at the comment. He sat back down, close next to me and called me "still a snake. your sharp tongue." He shook his head.

He knew me, everything, bad and good, snake and spite. And still loved me whole. When will there be a time when I can do that to another. Time speeds already, if i can't now, does that mean I forever wont?

Scream before they pick your bones

kill me,

it's-gonna-kill-me.

I want to rip out his heart and eat it, tasting the sinus, savouring the feeling of accomplishment, over coming all that past between us. I wanted more than he could ever give. The hatred he has for me, is now my poison. I want to fuck him up. He doesn't deserve any of this, and either did I. I spent the last night thinking simply of the colour, of my blouse and the bra I wore, not even realising that you would be the one to remove it. The hat you placed upon my head and the heat you cause. I shivered next to you as you ran your knuckles down the my middle. perfect. our open mouths reaching. You're my favourite of the none believers, you were my greatest sin and now this broken boy that wont heal himself i’m finishing with you. I want you to see me and feel your heart missing, the cave empty, your breathing shortens, the blood drains and realise that in fact we have scared each other for life. No red coat or poetic words will undo the ache. But I'm younger than you, my elasticity still remains and already I yearn for another who fills me right up. I smile at my words. I know that he is disappearing from me, my health restoring. No more.

the shortest of shorts

You look like you haven'’t eaten in months. Her cheeks a little hollow now. She smokes too much and I wish I had her legs. We sit in front of each other nodding through the silence. I wish I were still on the train reading my book, or still in the architects bed.

Leaning back on our blue sofa I try and throw green olive pips out the window, but it's only slightly open and they hit the window pane leaving an oily residue before falling three floors. I decide not to ever clean it.

In a dark crowded room full of strangers we all watch the puppets move to the dramatic haunting orchestra. I think about dating puppeteer, about how intricately he moves his fingers. Obviously that’s purely for the foreplay.

I think about my destination. I think I'm moving with my arms folded. A gesture too negative for my new leaf. I watch the man infront of me on the tube, with lovely brown skin and blue shirt. I'’ve come back to my city, with all the men in navy suits and blue shirts. Our eyes catch each other, and relize that we are mirroring each other. Arms crossed. I try not to smile.

So old people still do have sex? We try not to think about it, and both go back to our mac screens. I hear what she is writing and then asks me. It's nonsensicalnsical. I wish I was getting better. It's been a while.

It's been a while since words formed to sentences for me to write. The east side of the world made me thoughtless. I hated been stared at, I was too tall and too blonde and too fat. I look at the black outlined silver stars placed on our livingroom wall and that soon will be taken down and will never be seen again.

The boat that I bought for him sits on my desk on top of the books I savoor this. We are sitting in front of each other, or we might be standing, and I try and picture his face when he sees his present. Will there be love in him, love for me?

I don't know what you are talking about. I’ve lost what we are trying to say to each other in the midst of the bullshit we send to each other. I smell the card sleave of arcade fire, a band that will forever remind each other of each other. I smile at the title of the first song, Old flame.

A new leaf

I've been telling everyone how I've grown, out of you and the mess that was caused out of the beginning of this year. In forms of words both told and written. But now I'm home. I go between the boat I bought for the boy who taught me how to fish and the man I thought I had released. As she told me I know that I would have to wait until I truely knew if he was flushed. Hope and wish and pray he is gone from me, wholy.