planning while hot and sticky...
We discuss taking over the world one descriptive piece at a time. The heat is over powering and the small fan slowly fills her room, that looks lived and loved in. posters and prints dot her wall. I love one print, a black heart shaped spot with the text, which i can’t read, is it mine or her heart up there, charcoal black, pined to her wall. she tells me about some of the projects she has planned for next year. i wanted in to be involved. that’s all i seem to be thinking about now, what i am going to do. there’s no living in the moment, just as soon as i get back i’m to work and away from spending time with myself. There has been too much ‘ideal’ thinking which helps noone, especally my charcoal heart, that keeps on hurting. i want to stop thinking about boys and work and work until they effect me no more.
posted by HT company at 23:08
3 Comments:
They laughed when I announced "I've given up boys". They took some certainly took some convincing. One or two still don't believe me but they'll see. I'm not doing it for them; or to expunge the particularly messy specimens; I'm barely even doing it for myself. I am doing it because I have no choice but to act now. Everything has consipred to make it this way. There comes a point when everything loses meaning & at the same time nothing is clearer. For me that moment is now. Want to stop? Or have to stop?
And scretely i too are giving in, or giving up. But when you admit something or promise yourself, how do you feel when possibly something amazing happens, an ego boost or a long running affair you can't say no to. We put too much definition into something and simply we shouldn't worry about. and that at in this moment of our life i have neither the energy or the time to worry about stopping the most exciting and irratic part of my life that i have absolutely no control over.
When I can pass up the opportunity without thinking “what if” -- either a small part of me has died, or, in some small way, I am happy.
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