If there is no way out, the only way out is to give in

The irony of life is more funny then i care to remember. More funny than painful possibly, But only through adaptation, no? So these kind of 'moments' that seem to come more frequently now have scared me; not because of the pain or the consequences that never seem to fade. It's for how little control i have over it all. when i had to turned the painters offer down i was bitter, i cursed at him (not my crush, God) and his world, for ruining my chance. but then something else happened. An invitation to a party held by a tall (oh so tall) brown eyed man. Who had suddenly reappeared again after christmas, sitting diagonally across from me not listening to his colleges staring at me while i played with my paper boat, coy. who was suddenly walking round my private view and asked me if my cheeks were always this red, and had looked, looked right into me as we parted, ‘yes, actually it was uhm interesting.’ Do you know what i mean when THEY-LOOK-RIGHT-THROUGH -YOU. Those are the looks that a girl brought up on old hollywood films lives for. When his friend gave me his address, my heart almost feel out of my mouth. i had a shift that night too. But this time, i called in sick. If i had gone to Sotherby’s, then i would never have gone to the party. There are things in life that were meant to happen, some of them are the smallest events and some last a life time. For me this was my example that my dye has been cast and all i have to do is ...




And i hurt him the truth i had for him to help myself un-nerved him and i'm not sorry. but i couldn't have been more apologetic on the phone He wasn't shouting, but there was so much angry, SO-MUCH-ANGER. There was one thing i wish i hadn't said. But i did and we should see what happens next. Because there's going to be a next...


... 15th June

The text weakend me. Sent " Your prints were really peatiful (private joke.) an ex-friend. " Fucker, i wish he's leave me be.
And always in moments of distress and anxiety i turn to metro's horoscope. It read "You have to assert yourself. Even if it does challange someone elses deeply held beliefs and risks hurting them. You've been hurt enough in your time and it's time for all of this silliness to stop. so assert away.